HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.

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Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me


Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.


Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.


Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.


I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.


I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats


To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.


Some people are just better left alone.

In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.


*Band at a drive-thru, arguing about band name*
Cashier: Here’s your fries, and a nickel back
Chad Kroeger, gasps: You guys I have an idea


took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name