@IamEnidColeslaw

HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.

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@david8hughes

Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me

@jewfacekilla

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.

@BrassBallsCJ

Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.

@Iwriteforcats

Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.

@Angibangie

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

@IamJackBoot

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

@skedaddle74

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

@tropicalenvy

Some people are just better left alone.

In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

*Band at a drive-thru, arguing about band name*
Cashier: Here’s your fries, and a nickel back
Chad Kroeger, gasps: You guys I have an idea

@palokin

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name