Me: Another nightmare?
M: You were yelling “Dora the Explorer help! No Swiper, no!”
M: Maybe lay off the cartoons, bruh.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
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Movies taught me that if your kid is talking to ghosts, alone in their room, leave that brat in there, and run while you’re still alive.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.
That explains why they date women
half their age.
If she calls me lazy again, I swear I’ll get off this couch and go take a nap in bed.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]