@tastefactory

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

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@JustDontBugMe

Me: Another nightmare?
Him: Why?

M: You were yelling “Dora the Explorer help! No Swiper, no!”

H: …
M: Maybe lay off the cartoons, bruh.

@SeanINCypress

Movies taught me that if your kid is talking to ghosts, alone in their room, leave that brat in there, and run while you’re still alive.

@SortaBad

Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?

Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation

@pmclellan

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

@AndrewNadeau0

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

@SteveKoehler22

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

@ericsshadow

If she calls me lazy again, I swear I’ll get off this couch and go take a nap in bed.

@AimeeHelene1

1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*

@Social_Mime

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

@darksidedeb

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]