Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
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I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.