My son just sat me down to gently explain how I haven’t made his summer “fun enough” yet so now he’s folding laundry. In a totally fun way.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
You Might Also Like
There is absolutely nothing wrong with yelling “I HAVE THE POWEEER!” like He-Man after cooking an omelette that doesnt stick to the pan.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
If I meet Captain Crunch I’m going to punch him in the roof of the mouth.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
* thinks of a tweet before falling asleep
* decided to remember a “key word* so I can remember it
* wakes up
* forgot key word
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.