Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

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Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.


What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.


Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.


lancelot: we have to work together arthur

arthur: unite

lancelot: yes I am


[commercial for salad]

Do you want to feel sad when you eat?


I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”


My girlfriend is:

– super sweet
– light as a feather
– pink
– melts in my mouth when I eat her
– always at a circus
– possibly cotton candy


For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.


Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”