HER: I want to have sex so badly
ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
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I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Twitter has taught me a couple things. First, there are some incredibly brilliant people in the world. Second, they are vastly outnumbered.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Me: now lets do a silly one
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
The road to hell is paved.