@Bunnydurden

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

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@ValeeGrrl

My son just sat me down to gently explain how I haven’t made his summer “fun enough” yet so now he’s folding laundry. In a totally fun way.

@Mikecanrant

There is absolutely nothing wrong with yelling “I HAVE THE POWEEER!” like He-Man after cooking an omelette that doesnt stick to the pan.

@elle91

A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no

@SocialustGal13

If I meet Captain Crunch I’m going to punch him in the roof of the mouth.

@AimeeHelene1

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*

@noneofyours99

* thinks of a tweet before falling asleep

* decided to remember a “key word* so I can remember it

* wakes up

* forgot key word

@thedad

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

@HomeProbably

Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.

@Reverend_Scott

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.