@Bunnydurden

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

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@ArfMeasures

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

@eleniZarro

I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”

omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks

@jrsalzman

Twitter has taught me a couple things. First, there are some incredibly brilliant people in the world. Second, they are vastly outnumbered.

@Darlainky

Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie

Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie

@UncleDuke1969

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

@JohnHilsen

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

@sip_at_home_mom

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?