Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I’d like to steal from a bank.
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Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one
My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.