@jenstatsky

Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I’d like to steal from a bank.

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@mommajessiec

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

@DanMentos

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

@Rollmaninoz

*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?

@SteveSuckington

Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.

@SJSchauer

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

@usedwigs

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

@FloodyHippie

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

@roxiqt

DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean

MY BRAIN: say you like swimming

MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job