[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
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ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit