How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
You Might Also Like
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
🙄😏😂🤣
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.