Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

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*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”


Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.


I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..


I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.


Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …


*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*


Financial status:

10 days ago: eating cat food.

Today: eating the cat.


Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard


Before the internet the only way to review your stay at a Hotel was to write a song about it. Like The Eagles did