Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
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Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
tourist season
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning