*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
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Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
M: See you in a week!
Restaurants: stop calling things homemade.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
10 days ago: eating cat food.
Today: eating the cat.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Before the internet the only way to review your stay at a Hotel was to write a song about it. Like The Eagles did