Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
You Might Also Like
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
me opening up to someone
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Chemical wingman
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.