hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
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A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick