@ambamthankyamam

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

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@junejuly12

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

@ArtIsMyPorn

No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.

@SadieSkyNinja

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.

@TeflonPawn

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.

@Kica333

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

@pleatedjeans

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

@MayaIsLoading

German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.

@KentWGraham

Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

@RobertPunchur

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.