Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
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“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die