“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
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[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat