Parenting tip: see if your child has learnt to swear by turning the wifi off while they’re gaming online
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
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“Do you wanna build a snowman?”
“Sir, this is a Build a Bear shop.”
*Pulls out carrot
“Oh, you brought a carrot. Sure, whatever.”
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
omg leave her alone
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Wife: What’s going on?
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
If you smoke while you’re pregnant your baby comes out wearing a t-shirt and jeans looking cool as hell.