After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
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Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
bob: 1 at a time
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.