“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
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Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud