14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
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[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really