@Adam14

Hey, people who don’t properly re-seal your half empty bags of potato chips… what’s it like eating spider eggs?

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@PleaseBeGneiss

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

@Eightinchgoat

Sorry I tried to strengthen my immune system by asking your wife to breast feed me.

@thewritertype

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.

@ClichedOut

nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[5 minutes later]

me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet

@UncleDuke1969

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

@bealescore

celebrities be like omg 🙄 quarantined in my 30 room mansion with a personal theater, olympic pool and 50 acre yard for the next month. soooooo bored. just know we’re all in this with you guys! 🙏🏼

@Pro_Jones_

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

@UncleDuke1969

MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.

MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.

@theshantilly

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

@OMGSoOverIt

Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.