Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
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Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.