Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
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My personal tradition at every wedding I go to is to wish the bride and groom happy birthday
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Instead of condoms I keep moist towelettes in my purse because I am more apt to have buffalo wings instead of sex!
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Unfollowing because you didnt get a follow back is like quitting drinking tea because the tea doesn’t drink you back. It doesn’t make sense.
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.