@DrainBamagedHD

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

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@TheHyyyype

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

@Lhlodder

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

@wateringabuxus

Me – Doctor, I have depression.

Doctor – Are you on anything for it?

Me – Twitter.

@Marlebean

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

@Wine_Honey1

Be careful how much wine you drink, might end up vacuuming the driveway in your panties

@whatmaddness

Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.

@owlbacon

They should make realistic pregnancy test commercials. 2 best friends in a bathroom praying for a neg & celebrating w a shot & a happy dance

@tweetsbyrocket

her: have you tried mindfulness

me: dude my mind is like…the whole problem

@LackOfShame

If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.

@Marcmywords2

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.