[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
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Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Me – Doctor, I have depression.
Doctor – Are you on anything for it?
Me – Twitter.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Be careful how much wine you drink, might end up vacuuming the driveway in your panties
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
They should make realistic pregnancy test commercials. 2 best friends in a bathroom praying for a neg & celebrating w a shot & a happy dance
her: have you tried mindfulness
me: dude my mind is like…the whole problem
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.