@DrainBamagedHD

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

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@jerm1991

Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation

@mattingebretson

My personal tradition at every wedding I go to is to wish the bride and groom happy birthday

@BlackCatBettie

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

@joe_binkley

Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage

@noog

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

@Odiegirl9

Instead of condoms I keep moist towelettes in my purse because I am more apt to have buffalo wings instead of sex!

@minnie_in_pink7

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

@MildlyClassic

Unfollowing because you didnt get a follow back is like quitting drinking tea because the tea doesn’t drink you back. It doesn’t make sense.

@sixfootcandy

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.