Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
You Might Also Like
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change