Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
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no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it