Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
You Might Also Like
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home