Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
You Might Also Like
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
lol
A leaf blower, but for people.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.