Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
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Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
where do you see yourself in five years?
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
i- i did not expect this