Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

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Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.


Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….


inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?


I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.


I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.


Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.


“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob


[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.


Knock knock

“Who’s there?”


“Dejav who?”

Knock knock