Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Not all heroes wear capes….
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Lunatics are gonna loon.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough