@HeroineAddict

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

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@bourgeoisalien

[overheard in my son’s room]

His friend: You’re Greek. Do Greeks have a 4th of July?
My son: Yes. We also have a 3rd and 5th of July.

@catstronomical

ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change

ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun

@Darlainky

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

@bornmiserable

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

@EliTerry

“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain

@SergioValenCo

You can learn a lot about a person if you install a camera in their bedroom.

@kimtopher22

My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.