Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
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[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.