Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
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wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!