“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
You Might Also Like
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go