“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
“Oh god wait.”

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FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this


when we are all singing quarantine songs with our neighbors in 6 weeks or so, please remember good karaoke etiquette. No songs over 3.5 minutes, fully commit and don’t do the “haha I’m so bad” thing, and please avoid “total eclipse of the heart”


Tell your kids where hotdogs come from first. They won’t ever ask about babies.


When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.


I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.


[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]



The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?


Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job

Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky