@nachosarah

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

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@shelbyfero

My safe word is “keep going.” It’s led to some HILARIOUS miscommunications let me tell you!

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.

@SkippyMcGizzard

Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.

~ my cats

@Carbosly

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

@abbycohenwl

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

@MiahSaint

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

@markedly

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.

Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is

@urmumsausername

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi