hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
You Might Also Like
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!