Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
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The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter