Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
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Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.