There is no way Hollywood could remake Scream for millennials because, none of them would answer the phone.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
You Might Also Like
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
the three branches of government
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Are you surprised at life in general or is that just the way you plucked your eyebrows?
I’ll just have a salad.
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
A vegan girl told me that, “If you eat beef, you’re basically a velociraptor.”
In what world is that not totally awesome.