Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
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Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)