Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

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There is no way Hollywood could remake Scream for millennials because, none of them would answer the phone.


I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold


Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.


ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.


Are you surprised at life in general or is that just the way you plucked your eyebrows?


[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*


[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?


At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.


A vegan girl told me that, “If you eat beef, you’re basically a velociraptor.”

In what world is that not totally awesome.