@CatherineLMK

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

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@smilesofrage

Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.

@NeinQuarterly

My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.

@stephanieboland

On the sofa and hear boyfriend start laughing to himself in the kitchen.

Turns out he’d just learned that 88 couples have come out of quarantine in China and immediately filed for divorce

@Reverend_Scott

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.

@discountzen

I went to walmart today. I got the cart with three wheels and a hoof. This always happens to me.

@samalmightysam

-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…

@AndrewNadeau0

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

@chagger73

Understanding women isn’t rocket science.

Rocket science has rules and boundaries.