“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
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The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter