hey remember when shrek used his giant green hands to take the helmet off of his giant green head and fiona was shocked he turned out to be an ogre

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My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”


Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs

Sounds like I’m eating water and air today


I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”


Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?


Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.


Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.


[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe


My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave


My signature move is falling in love with a beautiful girl, then giving her really good advice on how to date someone else.


“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back