So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
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Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow