Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
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I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.