Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
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I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?