@liv_thatsme

Hey, small cars: stop masquerading as empty parking spaces. You’re enraging us all.

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@Rschooley

Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.

@TheCatWhisprer

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

@Rollinintheseat

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

@kenzianidiot

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

@UncleDuke1969

Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?

@jenlaw_11

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

@humanaaron

knock knock

who’s there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

@Uosipaw

My ex husband just hung up on me mid convo because he “just saw the biggest crow [he’s] ever seen”

@trojansauce

[meeting zac efron at a book signing six years after my wife said she thought he was handsome]

well hello there mister home wrecker