“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Hey, small cars: stop masquerading as empty parking spaces. You’re enraging us all.
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girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Said “large” today at Starbucks, and everyone starting chanting “Venti, Venti, Venti!” and a mass suicide occurred.
Loudest noises in the world:
1. Your shampoo bottle falling in the shower
*thousands of people turn around*
Guy who invented names: I HAVE to fix this.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.