@liv_thatsme

Hey, small cars: stop masquerading as empty parking spaces. You’re enraging us all.

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@Mr_Kapowski

Travel Agent: Hello sir! Interested in a vacation?

Me: *puts cat on the phone*

[20 mins later]

Travel Agent: I’ve got you booked for Maui

@beingbernz

To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.

@JediGigi

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

@MetteAngerhofer

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

@mynameisntdave

RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is

@jwoodham

Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask “which country?”

@Staggfilms

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!

@GoodSheWrites

Me: We are a team.

Husband: Yes.

Me: We are in this together.

Husband: OK.

Me: It’s you and me.

Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?

Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.

@markleggett

My hairdresser told me that his marriage is crumbling. So, here’s my business idea: A hair salon where they don’t tell me shit like that.