@liv_thatsme

Hey, small cars: stop masquerading as empty parking spaces. You’re enraging us all.

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@HatfieldAnne

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

@shutyourhell

girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?

her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?

@LipLush1

911: what’s your emergency?

me: I taught my Dad how to text

911: the problem ma’am?

me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”

@DiabeetusNurse

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

@GavinProbably

Said “large” today at Starbucks, and everyone starting chanting “Venti, Venti, Venti!” and a mass suicide occurred.

@Home_Halfway

Loudest noises in the world:

5. Fireworks
4. Motorcycles
3. Gunfire
2. Rockets
1. Your shampoo bottle falling in the shower

@ohen39

“Hey!”

*thousands of people turn around*

Guy who invented names: I HAVE to fix this.

@TheTweetOfGod

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

@flaccidumbrella

“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”

– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive

@stockejock

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.