Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Hey, small cars: stop masquerading as empty parking spaces. You’re enraging us all.
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cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
I’m “friends with beneficiaries” years old.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
My ex husband just hung up on me mid convo because he “just saw the biggest crow [he’s] ever seen”
[meeting zac efron at a book signing six years after my wife said she thought he was handsome]
well hello there mister home wrecker