PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
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Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
OKAY DAD
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out