@liv_thatsme
@HatfieldAnne
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
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@HatfieldAnne
@shutyourhell
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
@LipLush1
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
@DiabeetusNurse
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
@GavinProbably
Said “large” today at Starbucks, and everyone starting chanting “Venti, Venti, Venti!” and a mass suicide occurred.
@Home_Halfway
Loudest noises in the world:
5. Fireworks
4. Motorcycles
3. Gunfire
2. Rockets
1. Your shampoo bottle falling in the shower
@ohen39
“Hey!”
*thousands of people turn around*
Guy who invented names: I HAVE to fix this.
@TheTweetOfGod
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
@flaccidumbrella
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
@stockejock
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.