“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
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What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…