“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
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I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Poetry is my passion
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.