Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
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Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17