Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
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Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for