Hey terrorists, wanna cripple America? Hack Twitter and cause all DM’s to go public.

I’m just kidding, don’t do that shit. We’d kill you.

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Me: when I was your age, I had to dial *69 to see who called me

My teenage son: nice


Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said


Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms


A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time


SECURITY GUARD: You can’t bring open containers of alcohol in here.

ME: This is a service beer.


Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.


[First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*


I only watch French tv shows so my dogs think I’m more cultured than I actually am.


Power Rangers taught me that the way to solve a problem is to pose in front of it aggressively until it explodes