Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Hey terrorists, wanna cripple America? Hack Twitter and cause all DM’s to go public.
I’m just kidding, don’t do that shit. We’d kill you.
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Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
I’m broke so everyone’s just getting gifs for Christmas.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Oh my god, killer snails are after us. Walk. Walk for your lives.