@Naked_Wombat

Hey terrorists, wanna cripple America? Hack Twitter and cause all DM’s to go public.

I’m just kidding, don’t do that shit. We’d kill you.

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@Thynebear

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

@WilliamAder

Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.

@Wine_Honey1

I’m broke so everyone’s just getting gifs for Christmas.

@Shade510

Just found out my wife is pregnant.

Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus

@dafloydsta

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘sarcasm’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Ooooo I would love to

@ThoughtOtter

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

@jwoodham

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

@tastefactory

Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself

@Zwolf666

Oh my god, killer snails are after us. Walk. Walk for your lives.