Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
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My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary