@djdarrellripley

Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…

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@KeetPotato

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

@AndrewNadeau0

GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!

GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?

@HTHRFLWRS

DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT HOW CARS CAN NEVER TOUCH ONE ANOTHER WITHOUT CAUSING DAMAGE. THE TRUE MISERY OF THE METAL FLESH IS ISOLATION. A CAR MAY NEVER CUDDLE ANOTHER CAR

@NJFreudian

I think twitter is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

@curlycomedy

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”

@hashtag_stacks

‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography