Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
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Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
those birds must be on payroll
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.