@KeetPotato
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
@djdarrellripley
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
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@KeetPotato
@AndrewNadeau0
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
@HTHRFLWRS
DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT HOW CARS CAN NEVER TOUCH ONE ANOTHER WITHOUT CAUSING DAMAGE. THE TRUE MISERY OF THE METAL FLESH IS ISOLATION. A CAR MAY NEVER CUDDLE ANOTHER CAR
@NJFreudian
I think twitter is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
@TheToddWilliams
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
@stephaniehas
No autocorrect, I do not want to organism all over his face.
@WorldStarFunny
Why these pigeons look like they bout to drop the most fire album of 2014
@curlycomedy
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
@hashtag_stacks
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
@serialmatrix
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer