Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
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N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.