Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.

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Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.


At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose


My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.



Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem


ME: Since Tatooine has 2 suns shouldn’t Luke Skywalker cast 2 shadows?
GEORGE LUCAS:*pressing intercom* Security, she’s in the house again.


If I had a dollar every time my phone’s battery dies, I


Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire


On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.


A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”