Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
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[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Traveler’s camo
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”