@NicCageMatch

Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.

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@markydoodoo

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

@meganamram

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

@andrybd

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

@Angibangie

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

@EyeSeeYou619

ME: Since Tatooine has 2 suns shouldn’t Luke Skywalker cast 2 shadows?
GEORGE LUCAS:*pressing intercom* Security, she’s in the house again.

@shadonium

If I had a dollar every time my phone’s battery dies, I

@johnbiehl

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

@causticbob

On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

@causticbob

A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”