If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
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Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
What a website
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila