@jonnysun

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

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@TheBoydP

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

@KeetPotato

[schmoozing at fancy dinner]
me: im a private investigator
wife: you’re allowed to say gynaecologist, keith
me: people are eating, linda

@rebeccaheckyea

2 cats smoke catnip and lay around, discussing Plato’s Allegory of the Cave. “What if the laser pointer is just a projection?”

@VerbsRProudest

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

@markedly

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

@Juven_Naidoo

Couch: $300 TV: $1000 Chips: $3. The look on your face when you don’t have electricity: Priceless

@primawesome

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

@TheAlexNevil

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

@iwearaonesie

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

@david8hughes

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?