hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
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Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Do one person every day that scares you.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.