I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
You Might Also Like
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
I wanna be friends with this person
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.