PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
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Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
It’s the weekend y’all
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.