if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
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Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?