[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
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Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon