Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
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Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
fly smarter, not harder
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.