HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
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Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?